Word vomit:

got the interviews, might get the job, but do i want it, but i dont want to be poor, but i dont want to be miserable at work, but do i want to go back to dubai, well no so just go where the pay, right, no i dont want to.

but i have to.

i am probably counting chickens before i hatch, but i’m fairly certain i’m gna get a job now…well at least an internship. having the nytimes is great for a resume apparently. maybe the cover letter doesnt matter anymore bcoz 3 interns from the nytimes made the top 10 of the seattle times copy editing interns list- or maybe we are just all that amazing in our cover letter and recommendations? maybe. i doubt it. it’s all about experience and it’s all about the bignames. and i guess we have that. now  i jus need to ace the test and i’ll have a job. right? probably. but i have never been to seattle, hear its cold as fuck, and have no realy knowledge about the place besides its green ideologies.

then there’s minneapolis. i have another interview from there at a better paying job in a completely unknown city. it made forbes top 3 cities for college graduates though- a fact tht i know bcoz i spent a few hours yesterday googling “best cities for college grads” apparently these all are: seattle, houston, austin, dallas, nyc, san fran, DC, atlanta, minneapolis, ithaca (ny)…

all i know is that not having a driver’s license and a car is fucking up my options. i’m going to learn next semester; i’ve decided to make it a priority.

well, the other things on my mind should probably be kept to myself bcoz i dont know who reads this. probably know one, but I’m still paranoid. why don’t i just make it private? bcoz i need to talk to the world (wide web) and i talk to myself in my thoughts all the time- it drives me insane.

in the end i’m jus a girl. standing in front of life, asking it to love her? so i may have changed that quote a little bit. but honestly when will life tell me what i should do bcoz i dont know what to do. i dont know who or what or where i want to be. i could live my life 3 months at a time and drive myself insane with the stress. one internship after another, traveling from city to city to find a way to pay rent. this would be awesome in theory if i didnt have 2 very disappinted parents looking over my shoulder with a $140,000 tuition bill.and the loneliness. but i’m used to the loneliness, right?

word vomit complete.

“And I always find, and I always find something wrong.

You’ve been puttin up with my shit for way too long.

I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most.

So I think it’s time for us to have a toast…

Baby, I got a plan. Runaway as fast as you can.”

- Yeezy

So to me Limbo is a place that means nothing; it’s where you bide time until you are ready to face reality and actually make progress in life. I think senior year at college is going to be my limbo. I’m ready to be independent and earn a living and move on from being a student, but until I graduate with a degree, I’m not allowed. College is a black hole that allows young people to party and waste money. Technical schools are legit. You learn your trade, and if you really want to learn more about other interesting subjects- well just make the effort. Don’t force me to pay $35,000 in tuition every year for the kind of education you think I need. The summary of this rant is: I would be done already if I didn’t waste time with General Education requirements like Philosophy: Paradox and Women Studies…(both were fascinating, but I’d rather read about them for free…)

If my rant didn’t hint at it clearly enough, I’m back at school. Today was my 3rd day of classes. I got back to Chapel Hill over a week ago after spending a few days in Portland with my family and then a few days at Myrtle beach with a friend’s family. It’s actually nice to be back, despite the overwhelming expenses. Seeing friends from the past, some less welcome than others, walking around the familiar campus grounds has been – for a lack of better word – nice. It isn’t exciting like New York, it isn’t foreign and mysterious like Greece, but it’s comforting and sweet as home should be. I guess my goal to leave UNC so that absence would bring back my love for this school has worked. Junior year seems a distant memory, and I have a fresh start and have left behind past baggage.

One thing is really bugging me though. Freshmen. For so many reasons…

a) They’re bright-eyed and excited, with their whole future ahead of them. They don’t have to worry about searching for jobs, or networking among professors for internships, and their empty little heads focus on crucial matters like special deals at bars and rushing for sororities. It makes me sick…with envy.

b) Freshmen boys. I realize I look like I’m 15, but really I think I have some type of mature swagger, right? Do I not give out the senior vibe? Apparently not. If another cute freshman boy tries to spit game, I’m going to have to embrace cougar behavior 20 years before I thought I’d have to sink that low. College is really unfair. The women just get younger as more are admitted- perfect for all the highly receptive frat boys. While senior girls like me have had to bid adieu to a class of prime man meat for 3 years.

c) Freshmen girls. Fresh, easy competition. These girls are here to party, probably just broke up with a long-term high school sweetheart, and therefore are trying to get their freak on like they never had while living under protective daddies’ roofs.  Like senior girls didn’t have enough to worry about.

So. ready. to. graduate.

I’m not going to have a mid-life crisis; I probably won’t accept I’m old till I need someone to change my diaper. So maybe this is as close as I’m going to get to one.

Senior-year crisis aka Limbo: A creeping, inevitable anxiety attack that lasts for a period of approximately 8 months, during which a person may indulge in uncharacteristically rebellious behavior as he or she awaits his or her entry into the real world.

May 8th 2011, you can’t arrive quick enough.

Anyway, I’ve been awake since 6:30 a.m. This is because I’ve slept for about 22 our of the last 48 hours. I’m exhausted with all this sleep. So of course, I’m wide awake. I may do laundry, so that my morning isn’t a waste. But, before that- I need to update this hopelessly neglected blog.

Lets start with work- such an amazing summer, I’m so upset it’s over (almost, but I’m trying to get ready for the inevitable). Whenever I go somewhere new, I always think it’s the epitome of happiness. It happened when I first came to the United States for university. Anyone who heard me talk about freshman year would think I’d never been to a party or lived alone in my life (well, I hadn’t).  Then I went to Australia for the summer to visit my Biffle and it was incredible. This was the summer before sophomore year. Michelle and I went and saw the premiere of The Dark Knight (it released in Australia before the rest of the world, perfect timing for an impromptu vacation), she patiently drove me around Perth while I frequently asked her to stop the car because I thought I saw a dolphin under a bridge (I did finally see one!) and we played online games with her slightly unstable brother Stephen. Great summer, may be one of the best till then. Then I studied abroad in Greece. I can’t begin to explain how amazing it was. I will go back in the future, and many of those who I met there will be invited to my not-so-likely wedding.

As soon as I left Greece, it was time for New York. I had high hopes for the summer, but I didn’t want to get too excited because I assumed anything after Greece would be a let down. I’ve never been so glad to be wrong. Great job, great friends, great life. The best thing is that I’ve been self-sufficient for 2 and a half months. I am living off my own money for the first time in my life, and nothing else is as motivating for me to graduate so that I can get a good job and not have to drain my dad’s account dry. Hate tuition!!!

A quick list of things I’ve done since I stopped blogging: saw Memphis on Broadway (amazing, do it now), deteriorated my liver with too much partying, meeting new people every few days, walked across the Brooklyn bridge after eating at Grimaldi’s deliciousness, eaten my weight in Artichoke pizza, tried and failed twice to get into a secret club whose entrance is a Ministry-of-Magic-esqe telephone booth hidden in a hotdog place (I will succeed!), gotten kickass at my job- I’ve actually been complimented several times now (it’s harder than you’d think!), established my nyc-bum-status by spending over 24 hours at parks, seen a man open his shirt and then proceed to look me in the eye while he played with his nipple (on the street, not that this would be acceptable anywhere else), watched the Fourth of July fireworks from the 15th floor of the NYTimes building with the rest of the staff besides me that had to work that day (probably one of the best views in the city), watched Twilight the 3rd and reluctantly admitted that it’s better than the first two, been caught in a downpour at Battery Park while taking pictures of Lady Liberty…

this list wasn’t ‘quick,’ but once I started I just couldn’t stop writing about all the memories I want to cherish from this summer. I have less than 3 weeks to go, and I am probably going to weep like Brad Pitt in any of his movies (with passion, but great beauty). I’m still scared shitless about my future, but I’ve got a little time before I have to officially get into panic mode, and I plan to continue enjoying it.

These are the facts:

1) I will (ok there is a chance I won’t, but let’s disregard catastrophes) graduate in May 2011.

2) I will have a B.A. in Journalism. A minor in: Jackshit. (This could be a problem)

3) I have had two internships in my life, well 3 if you count the one from high school which I did via email (low point in my desperation to fodder my college applications). One internship was as a makeshift copy editor and reporter for a newspaper that barely does any of its own reporting. And their idea of editing was having one person glance to make sure there were no spelling mistakes. The other legit internship I had/have is this summer. The New York Times is badass as internships go, but I’m working as a copy editor. I have learned a lot from this internship (6 weeks more!), but the one thing that really resonates: I will not be happy just editing for the rest of my life. I may be good at it (well, that’s by a stretch and optimistic outlook) but It doesn’t make me look forward to going to work everyday.

4) That leaves me at: having experience in internships that are not the type of jobs I want to apply for anyway. Which means: I’m Fucked. Yup, with a capital F.

So, when I look at my future post graduation, I see…nothing. I have no idea what I want to do, don’t like what I can do, and have no prospects to bide my time. Plus, I recently turned 22. So I’m not just becoming an adult like my young’un-21-year-old-turning fellow rising seniors. I can’t blame drunken shenanigans on my going on a rampage because I no longer need a fake. In fact, every birthday since 21 is building up not just age, but how much responsibility I can expect. While I celebrated by 22nd with my friends, part of me was thinking: what’s the point? Why exactly do I still celebrate my birthday? Am I going to celebrate when I turn 25, because it’s a multiple of 5? Am I going to celebrate 30- because I’m past my hot-guy-attracting peak? Birthdays are only fun when you’re 21 and below. Otherwise they’re just an excuse to get wasted, plus the additional responsibility (hate this word) of making sure your friends have fun.

So I got a little sidetracked with my birthday rant, but what I’m actually trying to say is: I’m scared. This isn’t very original, most people don’t know what they’re going to do post college. But, I’m not those people; I just have my own worries filling my head. Am I ever going to be satisfied (The Rolling Stones knew what they were singing about)? Will my GPA be good enough for me to get a job anyway? Am I going to be like much of the workforce- people who’d rather jump in front of the 7 train near Rockefeller center (happened circa 1 p.m. today) than go to work? Am I going to die alone? Is it better to die alone so that you don’t give up your life to have to have children that grow up to hate you?

Will I have to accept the (previously scoffed) offer made by my mum to live with her in New York after I graduate because I’ll be broke and desperate?

She volunteered home-cooked food and said I will be “allowed to do whatever I want.” Right now, that’s the best offer I’ve heard.

You see why I’m so worried? May be this too shall pass…Proverbs are strangely reassuring. Once upon a time, depressed people used their sadness to their advantage by writing down deep, faintly clever phrases- that went down in history. I hope I too can make such a difference in the world. Until then, I will end this rant-of-a-blog post with a Yiddish proverb:

A man should live if only to satisfy his curiosity. Sexist, but appropriate.

I spent my Saturday off doing what I do best- wandering. In a city like New York, where there is always something unexpected going on around the corner, it never disappoints. It was a relaxing day, and was much needed after a week’s worth of staring at a computer. I am trying to relax my eyes as much as possible by taking numerous highly-sweetened (1 sugar and 2 Sweet’N Lows please) tea breaks. If I need glasses after 10 weeks of working at The Times, I’m going to have to rethink my career. I already have asthma, severe period cramps, baggy eyes and a progressive eating disorder (I progressively eat way too much junk food- Saturday’s checklist includes 3 hotdogs), I don’t need vision problems as well. Plus, with cancer and diabetes going wild in my genes- I’m probably going to milk my Social Security for all its worth.

On a euphoric note: The World Cup started Thursday!!!!!! On a disappointed note: England tied against U.S.A. As The New York Post aptly put it “U.S. Wins 1-1” England’s goalie better get some sandpaper on those butter fingers before I send him hate mail. I can be quite eloquent when I want to insult people (I had nasty commenting days in high school…I haven’t matured much.)

The plan is to go to The Empire State Building tonight. Somehow I always think of Start Wars when I refer to this building, but I hear it’s a must-see so I’m excited to go. I’m adding it to my list of New York sites-seen: The Brooklyn Flea Market (must eat the Asian hotdogs!), Little Italy, China town, Central Park, Broadway, site of The World Trade Center buildings (Surreal since I was there the same year the original buildings fell on a tour with my parents), Washington Square Park (with the bonus of free Indian food!) and countless men in tutus. I thought Sarah Jessica Parker had no sense of good style and that she was besmirching what fashion stood for in The glamorous City. Oh she knew what she was doing, I was the one who didn’t realize style was more about looking unique, than attractive. It’s great in a way, I can wear ridiculous outfits and not ever feel out-of-place. Like yesterday- I may have gotten teased by my non-Newyorker(fellow interns) friends when I wore my bright green “Gangstasaurus” T-shirt, with a piano belt and silver indoor soccer cleats, but I felt like I belonged. No one on the streets gave me a second look. It’s quite tempting to see how far I have to push it before I ever verge on ridiculous. Not like I  have anything better to do with my time…I’m currently at work. Did I mention it’s Sunday? Good, because it sucks.

When I’m not huddling for warmth,  I’m learning about journalism from some of the most creative, respected people in the field. I feel a rush every time I walk in the building. I know the other interns feel the same as we always talk about how amazing it is that we got this internship. One of my co-interns gave up a summer job at Bloomberg to work at the times. When most businesses would ask someone “if” he or she is able to join the staff, The Times just has to say “when.” They’re just that sure, and who can blame them.

An enlightenment: Did you know that The New York Times is a front for Big Brother? They’re super stalkers. It’s quite scary what they know about you, and what tools they can use to find information about people for stories. It’s all legal, and it has taught me that I need to be way more careful about what I post on the internet. However, that clearly hasn’t stopped me from blogging. I think my blog is safe; I am pretty harmless. Besides a few colorful curses, I haven’t really ventured onto “We can’t hire someone like you” territory. Plus, I’ve already made sure my Facebook is private; The creepy friend requests from strange middle-aged men was enough of a warning.

The interns also had the pleasure of meeting Bill “The Cowboy” Keller, the executive editor of The Times. #1- He’s the EDITOR of The Times! #2- He is an amazing writer and I am utterly infatuated (he’s pretty easy on the eyes too). However, more importantly #3- He’s 61, and I’m 21. Clearly that’s the reason why it is not meant to be…maybe if it was a different Time (you see what I did there).

The first week was all training, and I start work on Monday. My hours are 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. Not the best, but I do get to sleep in, and I’m being paid. Really, they could make me work at the ass-crack of dawn AND I’d pay. This is my Golden Ticket. I hope I make a memorable (but correction-free) impression. I’m working at the Business desk, which is going to be quite a challenge. I’m ready. I hope to have some fun in NYC while I’m at it too. I’ve already discovered the delicious slices at Artichoke, visited the site of the new World Trade Center, and watched the immensely entertaining Broadway show “Wicked.” A movie is being filmed in my neighborhood (based on Something Borrowed- a favorite book of mine), there is a subway stop at my building’s entrance, and I’ve met a festive group of interns- what else do you really need in New York. Here’s hoping the good times keep rolling.

To those who don’t care- well you should because it’s hilarious. The New York subway advertisements should be enough to convince you. I would usually be an unbiased bystander to this debate, but as an intern at The NY Times I’ve been forced into the battleground, and I will play my part by denouncing the WSJ at every turn. It’s just so fun.

I don’t really have any problem with the WSJ. Some people say it’s “elitist”. Some say it’s run by sexist, conservative men with too much time/money. Let’s not forget to mention the paper’s desperate attempt to steal viewers from the New York Times by launching the “Greater New York” section- that’s just rude.

Since UNC basketball let me down this year, I’m going to divert my competitive streak to cheering for The NY Times. Go Team!

On a last note, here’s a NY Times ad I recently enjoyed: “We Don’t Just Cover It. We Are It.”

En garde!

If I ever have to spell “inoculate” or elaborate about why we can’t use the word “frisbee” ( Frisbee is a trademark and you should only use Frisbee disc if referring to the trademark, other uses- flying disc)…well I’m going to be prepared. Do I need to know this? Well, some wise words I heard recently- “There’s no such thing as useless information.”

Despite the stress and lack of sleep, I admit I learned a lot. The most important thing I learned is about how much I don’t know. There’s so much talent out there, and I met 9 of the nation’s future Pulitzer winners (well I might be biased but they’re pretty great.) It’s intimidating, but motivating to meet people who have had so much experience in journalism. They may be my competition, but they are also my peers. Maybe one day we’ll start our own news company? (If one of us wins the lottery and we have funding.)

Anyway, tomorrow I head to New York. My internship starts on Tuesday. Dr. Edward Trayes, my residency director, gave us some crucial advice:

1) Don’t have relationships with your coworkers

2) Don’t wear spandex to work (she was probably either an avid exerciser or an idiot)

3) Carry the 8 back-breaking textbooks he provided us with to work every day.

4) Be professional. Don’t swear. Don’t joke about the news. Don’t try to be ‘one of the boys.’

5) How to spell “desiccate.” I doubt many people can spell that without training.

I am now ready to face The New York Times. I shall be successful. I’m going to impress everyone. And most importantly, I will not wear spandex to work. At least this I can guarantee.

1) I ate Indian food for the first time in 4 months today. It was divine.

2) I washed and dried my clothes at my leisure in the home washer/dryer. They actually smelled clean.

3) I have started learning states/cities and their locations for my internship. I also sent all my documents to them yesterday- including tax forms! They’re not so bad. They’re like sex- it’s more nerve-wracking the longer you wait, and once it’s over you wonder why you made it such a big deal and you’re satisfied (usually).

4) I sit in bed all day. Wake up at noon. Go to bed whenever. I haven’t spent a dime in 3 days. It feels great

5) Most importantly: my BLACKBERRY is back in action! I did not realize how much I missed it. Feels so great to have unlimited texts. Take that PicCell and your incredibly expensive phone bills! I’ll pay $80 a month and I’ll like it!

6) I’m feeling a little more optimistic about finding a student loan. I have also come up with a back-up plan that involves dropping out of school for a semester and getting a job. I’d rather not, but we shall see how it goes. I’m tired of college anyway, but I realize the merits of being a graduate in the workforce.

Despite being smug about my short-term comfortable life, I miss Athens a lot. It’s pretty strange living at home with no tweenagers. I keep wanting to use Greek in daily conversations too. I filled up my post-study abroad forms online and one of them talked about ‘reverse culture shock.’ Apparently, when students who study abroad for a long time come home, they want to talk about their experiences and find that people don’t really care. A lot of the time, people didn’t really miss them as much as they hoped, and are annoyed when they constantly refer to study abroad incidents.

Wow, I appreciate the heads up. Note to self: your friends probably didn’t miss you, no one cares about what you did for the past 4 months, but welcome to America!

On that note, I’m pretty bored. I remember the mundane life of the U.S. Well, I am currently living at Middle-of-nowhere, Pennsylvania. I’m hoping that  life gets more exciting (in a good way) in 2 days when I head to Philadelphia for training (aka Auschwitz). I am dreading the workload, but hey there will be other tweenagers hating life with me! I’ve found that bonding with people who hate their circumstances as much as me make for an excellent beginning for a friendship. If the people I work with this summer are super nerds who make me look bad at The New York Times, I’ll probably have to segregate part of my income for alcohol therapy.
Or may be I’ll turn to the dark side, and spend all my time working aka impressing the bosses. I have never been good at sucking-up. It’s hard for me to be nice to people I like! I’m a very sarcastic person, and the idea of “kissing ass” when I dislike my co-workers just makes me shiver. But, I need to suck it up and be (heaven forbid!) nice. Dear God, how deep have I sunk! Next thing you know, I’ll be volunteering for early shifts. If this is what it means to be grown-up, I object!

Well, I’m glad I got these 4 months to relax before I entered Auschwitz. I look forward to the training so that I don’t embarrass myself while working in NY. I hope this summer will be as fun as this semester was. Right now I’m pessimistic, mostly because I have no idea how to fill out tax forms. W-4, I-9, shit. Hopefully the fact that I don’t really live in America besides college won’t be an issue. I plan on living here and having a permanent address as soon as I graduate!I’m probably not going to share this with anyone.

I have a feeling something illegal is in my future. However, for now I’ll concentrate on the present and wish Greece good night (kali nikhta), but definitely not good bye.